I Hate The Word Anxiety

Anxiety.

Sometimes I really hate this word. I feel like this word is used too much and some people just fling it around. And I used to be this person, I used to use it wrongly and just fling it around as the word never held any meaning to me, it held no emotional meaning.

But it wasn’t until I was in year 12 where I started to feel it. When anxiety took over my mornings before school. I was physically sick each morning before school and had to literally push myself into my school dress and into the car. I was so afraid of failing. I was afraid not doing well and my future would just crumble. University scared me cause all I could think of is that I need good grades to be successful in my life. Well, we took uni out of the mix and just focused on getting my health back to normal.

It wasn’t until year 9/10 where I started seriously wearing makeup. At first, I wore it cause everyone else was wearing it but after awhile I started to wear it just for myself. I was never fancy with my makeup. I have no clue how to contour or do eyeshadow well, so I just stuck with the basics. When I went through my morning episodes in year 12, I stopped wearing it. I stopped looking like myself. I have, well had (I shaved it) beautiful curly hair, and I never appreciated it whilst in school, I always straightened it. But letting go of my makeup routine also meant letting go of my straight hair. I just walked into school completely natural and exposed. It’s funny, cause you would think I would make myself look more “done” up then run down. But I was fine just being that kicked to the dirt anxiety stricken girl.

Since shaving my hair, it has just been one big rollercoaster. For the first few weeks, I was just torn apart and all the following weeks was picking up all those pieces. There are moments when I just feel done. I’m so done with feeling like this weak little girl. Done with feeling helpless. I just want to be 5 years into the future. The only reason I want time to fly is so I can have my hair back, cause I feel if I do, I will be whole again. Shaving my hair felt like someone took apart of me away, and now I’m trying to be comfortable with this void. It’s like punching the air. You want to grasp onto something but you can’t. When you fall, you want to grab something but there is nothing to catch. There are days where I am rocking this new hair but others when I hate to look into the mirror.

I was once the girl who never fully understood what people were going through with their anxiety. I was once the girl who thought people are just being overdramatic. But it’s not until you are trapped inside your own mind, filled with all these negative thoughts and the air just slipping away. It’s not until then when you fully understand what a horrible thing anxiety is and what mental health is.

It’s funny. I think of these questions a lot, “Would you ever go back?” “Would you ever change your life?”.

The answer is no.

I would not be the women I am today if it wasn’t for all my life experiences. I would not be so understanding of mental health, it would have just been those “excuses” people use too much.

I am a better person to others and myself cause of my anxiety. It has helped me understand who I am, and who I want to be and how I want to help people like me or similar to me.

I freaking hate my anxiety. I bet there is no person who loves it. But it’s just one of those stupid things in life where you have to accept it, cause its now apart of you.  But do not ever let it rule you, YOU RULE YOU.

Rose xo

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