I want to be honest with my readers. I will share personal experiences with no added drama or hype, just the cold truth.
Over each post, I will continue to give a little more of my life to you. The reason for sharing my life isn’t to make you feel sorry for me or make it look like my life is worse than yours. It is to show you no one is alone in their suffering, to show that even though life has been horrible to me or you, we have continued to try and fight each day.
Recently, I shaved my head. I used to have such beautiful curly hair that sat just around my shoulder blades. When I was younger I hated my curls, I thought it made me look ugly and all the other girls had pretty straight hair. However, over time I started to realize how beautiful my hair was and then I went and cut it.
The reasons I cut my hair is because females do not need long hair to be beautiful or to be feminine. We are beautiful no matter our hair length (boys and girls), we are beautiful no matter the physical scars on our bodies, we are beautiful cause of our souls and our personality. Also, it was a bucket list item.
After shaving my head, literally 30 minutes later I thought I was having a panic attack. I thought what a horrible decsion I had just made. I was crying to my mum for the rest of that night and for the next 2 weeks. My anxiety was just horrible. I had experienced anxiety in year 12 but not as horrible as this. Words were shouting in my head:
“IT’S NEVER GOING TO GROW”
“YOU LOOK UGLY”
“MAYBE WE ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE”
“TIME IS PASSING SLOWLY”
All these phrases screamed day and night to me. After a while, they started to quieten down during the day but came back roaring as soon as I tried to sleep.
I shaved my head on the 11th of March, it will soon be 3 months since then.
All I could think when I shaved it was, time was never going to pass, it will never grow. Yet 3 months later, my hair has grown into a cute pixie and time has passed.
The brain is such a powerful thing and that power we cannot give it.
Each day is a struggle. I have my good days and my bad days, we all have them. We just need to figure out how to get through those moments. My mum is a massive help to me, she’s learning to be a psychologist so she’s always teaching me about the brain and about my anxiety. She taught me, baby steps, take baby steps through moments when you can’t take big steps. So that is what I did and I continue to do. There are moments when I hate taking baby steps and all I want to be is somewhere far away but we have to take those baby steps, we have to reach those small victories. Continue to take your baby steps.
I am now happy with my hair, yet there are days I hate it but that is normal.
Remember how strong you are. Find the little things in life to live for and be happy for.